Am I Asexual?
“Am I ace? if that question’s been living rent-free in your head, congrats on making it here. You probably just took the quiz above (and if you didn’t, go do that right now, I’ll wait!).
Maybe your friends are on relationship number seven while you’re over here still trying to figure out what having a real crush actually feels like. Like, everyone’s talking about how hot someone is and you’re nodding along thinking “sure, I guess they have a nice… face?”
Or maybe you used to pick random celebrities to “crush on” just so you’d have an answer when your friends asked.
And don’t even get me started on family gatherings. “When are you bringing someone home?” Cool, cool, let me just manifest a partner to please you, Mom. That’s definitely how this works…
If any of this sounds painfully familiar, you’re in the right place. Grab some snacks, get comfortable, and let’s talk about asexuality!
What Is Asexuality, Actually?
Alright, let’s get the basics down before we dive deeper.
Asexuality means experiencing little to no sexual attraction to others. That’s it. That’s the whole definition.
Notice what it doesn’t say: anything about romance, relationships, or whether you enjoy certain activities. The asexual spectrum (also called “aspec“) is all about sexual attraction specifically, or in this case, the lack thereof.
Some ace folks are totally cool with sex. Some are repulsed by it.
Here’s what asexuality is NOT:
- A medical condition that needs fixing
- The same thing as being aromantic (though you can be both!)
- A result of trauma or hormones or “just not meeting the right person yet”
- A phase you’ll grow out of
Think of sexual attraction like licorice candy (I think that’s how you say it in English. In France, we call them “bonbons à la réglisse”). Some people think it’s amazing. Some people think it tastes like soap. Some people are like “yeah, it’s fine I guess.” And some people would rather eat dirt. None of these reactions make you broken, they’re just different experiences.
The asexual community is massive and diverse, filled with people who’ve spent years thinking something was wrong with them, only to discover there’s actually a whole community waiting with open arms.
Common Misconceptions About Asexuality
Time to address the nonsense people believe about asexuality!
“Asexual people can’t fall in love”
Wrong. You’re thinking of aromantic people, and even that’s oversimplified.
Asexuality is about sexual attraction. Aromanticism is about romantic attraction. These are two completely different things that sometimes overlap but often don’t.
You can be asexual and fall head-over-heels in love. You can be asexual and want marriage, partnership, and all the romantic movie moments. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same thing!
“Being asexual is a choice”
Oh, this one’s fun. No, it’s not a choice any more than being gay or straight or bi is a choice.
You don’t wake up one morning and think “you know what would be quirky? Not experiencing sexual attraction!” Nobody’s choosing this for the aesthetic or to be difficult. It’s just how some people are wired.
If it were a choice, don’t you think people would simply “choose” to experience attraction and avoid all the confusion and invalidation? Make it make sense.
“You just haven’t met the right person yet”
This might be the most annoying one.
Sure, some people discover their sexuality later in life or have experiences that shift their understanding. But telling an asexual person they just need to meet “the one” is like telling a gay person they just haven’t met the right opposite-gender partner yet. It’s dismissive and frankly, kinda gross.
Asexual people know themselves. Trust that.
“Asexual people are just prudes/scared of sex/traumatized”
Nope. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a response to anything external.
Some ace people have trauma. Some don’t. Some are sex-positive. Some are sex-repulsed. Some are sex-indifferent. These are all separate things that can coexist with asexuality but don’t cause it.
“That’s not real, everyone experiences sexual attraction”
Asexuality is real, documented, and about 1% of the population identifies as ace (though the actual number is probably higher).
Just because you experience something doesn’t mean everyone does. That’s not how humans work. We’re not a monolith.
Here Are Some Labels From the Asexual Spectrum (Aspec)
The asexual spectrum is beautifully diverse, and there are tons of micro-labels that help people describe their specific experiences. Here are some of the most common ones:
Asexual (Ace): Experiences little to no sexual attraction. The umbrella term for the whole spectrum.
Graysexual : Experiences sexual attraction rarely, only under specific circumstances, or with very low intensity. It’s the gray area between asexual and allosexual.
Demisexual: Only experiences sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional bond with someone.
Cupiosexual: Doesn’t experience sexual attraction but still desires a sexual relationship. Wanting the experience without the attraction.
You don’t need a hyper-specific label if it doesn’t feel right. “Asexual” or “ace” works perfectly fine. But if one of these micro-labels makes you go “Oh, that’s me!” then use it!
Feeling like you need more space to explore these questions? Download our free “Queer Self-Discovery Journal”, it’s filled with prompts to help you understand your feelings about attraction, identity etc.
You Can Be Asexual AND Gay, Bi, Hetero, Etc.
Asexuality doesn’t exist in a vacuum.
You can be asexual and still experience romantic attraction. And that romantic attraction can be directed toward any gender.
Asexual + Homoromantic: Romantically attracted to the same gender, little to no sexual attraction.
Asexual+ Biromantic: Romantically attracted to multiple genders, little to no sexual attraction.
Aromantic + Asexual (aroace) : Experiences neither sexual nor romantic attraction.
Asexual + Panromantic: Romantically attracted to people regardless of gender, little to no sexual attraction.
This is why you might hear someone describe themselves as “biromantic asexual”, they’re specifying both their sexual orientation (or lack thereof) and their romantic orientation.
And yes, you can use multiple labels. You can be a biromantic demisexual non-binary person who also identifies as queer.
Language is flexible, and your identity is yours to define.
Frequently Asked Questions
Yes. Some do, some don’t. Asexuality is about attraction, not action. Some ace people have sex for various reasons: they enjoy it, they want kids, they want to please their partner, they’re curious, whatever. Others are repulsed by sex. Both are valid ace experiences.
Libido (sex drive) and sexual attraction are different things. Libido is your general interest in sex. Sexual attraction is looking at a specific person and thinking “yes, I’d like to do sexy things with them.” You can have high libido and be ace. You can have low libido and experience sexual attraction. They’re not the same.
Absolutely not. Coming out is a personal choice, and only you can decide if, when, and to whom you want to share this information. Some people find it liberating. Others prefer to keep it private. Both are completely valid.